You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
