True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
