I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
