you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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