well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
