i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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