Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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