I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
