I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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