I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
