Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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