For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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