He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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