After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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