They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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