i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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