So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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