Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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