I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
