apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Let's get the cat blown out
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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