its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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