don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
