My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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