watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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