I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I believe in your delicious
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
