There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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