I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
