Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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