dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
