Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
