I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
