Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
