I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize