Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
