I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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