When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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