Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
