so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
