remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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