i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
