I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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