she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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