Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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