So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
