I should be sponsored by Trojan
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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