I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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