The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
