We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
