Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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