In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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