I'm jealous of your bromance
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
