i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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