I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
