The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
