i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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