he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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