My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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