He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
